The film “NARCISSIM” was the opening movie of the 2022 Porn Film Festival. Awarded “Best Documentary” and sold out with 5 screenings – a groundbreaking success! I was one of the 10 protagonists in the film and one of the over 30 models in the accompanying photo book. Here you can read excerpts from my contribution.
The photo book is now available in stores! A Photobook About Gender, Narcissism and Self-Love: Buy here | Homepage of: Toni Karat
This planet is being set on fire at this very moment by rampant narcissists – so skepticism about narcissism is warranted.
Narcissistic personalities are those who without empathy and ruthlessly follow their interests and remain indifferent to the corpses that pave their way, while they indulge in their own personal arrogance.
Who would want to be like that? Women certainly don’t, because our inner confirmation and reward system runs on care, empathy, public mindedness, satisfying everyone’s needs, and not primarily our own.
But I think beyond its toxic manifestation, narcissism can offer some treasures for people who are provided with less privilege and therefore less self-esteem. For precisely because hybris, self-absorption, the unconditional celebration of oneself is such a taboo for female socialized people, a healthy dose of it can create a lot of movement in the system. The latter sometimes threatens to get rusty in its non-stop obligation to meet external demands.
I have spent my life, since I was a teenager, running the gamut between self-hatred, self-ravaging, strenuous self-embracing, self-gratification, self-acceptance, and relapses. My body, like many female bodies, was a battlefield.
I could provide all the warring parties myself, I didn’t need anyone from the outside to tear me apart. Curse of femininity, internalize everything.
Fortunately, for all my self-accusation and longing for annihilation, fierce feelings of body shame, I had an exhibitionist and playful side left unscathed by all these wartime practices.
This unbroken player, who turned in the mirror in spite of all guilt and shame, who took pleasure in playing with roles, who enjoyed the masquerade and sexual enactment, the magic of dominance and submission; who took an unabashed pleasure in the ecstasy of her own body – she saved me.
One of the hardest struggles was to allow myself to enjoy my own pleasure. And how extreme it is, I kept thinking, that it’s so hard. Who on earth put these blocks on the path to pure self-love for us women*?
I think narcissism is something different than self-love. Self-love is more peaceful, broader, a warm stream. It doesn’t have to prove itself. There’s also more room for different emotional qualities connected with it. But to look at yourself and think of yourself as simply fantastic and hot – that’s a good thing from time to time. A little party sensationally helps against one’ s own demons!
My inner narcissistic part, that is my diva, my dominatrix, my inner goddess, my queen. The fact that she takes the wheel sometimes, that’s a gift to the world, isn’t it?
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